Sunday, August 13, 2006
kthxbye
People often provide me with some very expected feedback about my blog - Too angsty, too serious, no where like the Ivan we always knew in 'real life'. In response to all your laments, I often reply: "What then is reality to you?"Unfortunately or fortunately, I'm not the "what you see is what you get" kind of person. Perhaps this makes me all the more interesting, but it is by no means intentional. This is me, and what is me, I cannot answer you because commenting on your personality is just awkward, stupid, and many times condescending. I'd love to tell you that behind this screen sits a uber dashing hunk that holds a high paying job and drives sweet cars but in the process, I'd be lying and bullshitting about an existence I don't even come close to living.
My point here is as such: I cannot promise you that you can reconcile whatever you read here with "reality", but I can jolly well assure you that what you're setting your eyes upon is of utmost truth, fact, sincerity. Tears too, would make up a huge part of the list. I'm not a firm believer of first impressions, and as the age old saying goes, "Looks", or may I contend, "Looks and impressions are only skin deep".
If you enjoy reading my blog, thank you very much. If you don't, nevermind about that. My suggestion to you is, if you're new to this, I'd recommend that you read my entire entries before passing a judgment. And even then, I'd be sure you won't understand nor comprehend the true meaning of my entries, and henceforth, handicapping you of any right, or ability to judge me.
This post sounds like a first post doesn't it? One that introduces readers into my world, or whatever you might call it. But I'd tell you very explicitly and right into your face that the only thing I'm thinking now is closing down this blog. Because pricks, irritants and scums of the earths who're too quick to judge screw me over and over, and then refuse to listen to my explanations at the end of it actually get to me.
They hurt me, and spoil my day.
And I haven't got that many days to waste in this manner.
posted@11:54 AM
Friday, August 11, 2006
In My Room
There's a queer quality about locking up myself in the room which I find especially therapeutic. I mean despite it being really warm and stuffy, it's still the only place I seek comfort and solace in. It's the only place I can sing my hearts out after a day of sin; a site for redemption and self-reflection. Amidst the magnificent world, herein lies a place I can call my own, where I can truly be myself for no fear of scrutiny, mockery or the like.I'm usually lost in my own world inside, and given the already mentioned circumstances of my humble abode, there really isn't much validity in locking myself up. And many times, I just wish my parents would quit probing and leave me alone to myself. Like Don said somewhere else, "Home becomes the best therapy when you're out all the time".
I've been reflecting on my current position, and I've concluded that I really want to remain the way I am - Alone, angsty, reflective, focused and misunderstood. Alone as in single, unattached. I'm so sick and tired of the rumours between Jiawei and I, and really, I'm beginning to lose it. Please people, give me the break that I truly need. I'm already frustrated enough with other things in mind, so it would really help if the quantity of teasings you guys generously deliver could tone down. Like how I've said, I'm often misunderstood and by whatever means and for whatever reasons, you guys can find me anal or petty for losing my temper over it. But if you could even put yourself in my shoes, I firmly don't particularly think you guys will enjoy one bit of it.
If this continues, I'm afraid friendships will be strained, precious one at that. Already, Aloysius is beginning to get annoyed by my annoyance with their "jokes". Yes I don't deny that I'm taking it a bit too personally, but there's a limit to everything. Everything. And on the other hand, I feel increasingly awkward with Jiawei. The reality of the situation is such that, the unintended consequences of these rumours have taken a toil on our friendship. Everything I do that's associated with her becomes a bloody TABOO, and the same goes for her. Like geez, I just ended a relationship about month ago, and people expect me to get into another one? To compound all of that, I've been very very very tolerant. Easily, I can divert the rumours away with my Trump Card. But I know that in doing so, I will be hurting other parties and ultimately shifting the entire burden to Jiawei, which isn't very fair.
It is by no means my fault that Jiawei likes to hang around with me, or the gang for that matter. I do not deny a single bit that we share many interests in common, but to solely accord that would be an oversimplistic judgement, undeserving of the 18 years of experience you have. But the way things are turning out, it does appear like I BLOODY HELL DESERVED ALL OF THIS.
All I have to say is that if things happen, they happen. And for now, nothing has happened, and I don't think any will too in the near future. Status quo is here to stay, so don't bother fastening your seatbelts for the ultimate gossip of your life. We remain strictly as good friends. And she to me, is one of my best friends, period.
And for now, I'll shut myself up in my room and behave like a recluse. I need therapy.
Edit:
Oh yes I've just expanded my bookshelf from the 20% Sale Kinokuniya had yesterday.
Bought War and Peace, Vindication of the Rights of Women, Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde and Suffering of the World. Sacrificed my Economics revision for some non-academic enjoyment, and truly tasting the fruits of guilt as I type now haha.
posted@10:09 PM
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Knowledge
You cannot unlearn what you've learnt.In light of to many 'good lucks' I'm getting from my peers and others alike, I've gotta acknowledge that I'm not a firm believer of luck. I've always held a firm belief in the concept of luck, but of late, it has dwindled and become alot more ambivalent that it was. It's the ability to stay awake, the motivation, the fire that I need. Not luck. Luck's useless when 95% of my examinations are graded on Essays.
But a part of me remains superstitious. For instance, I've not touched my favourite FCUK tee for ages, just because something bad happens to me everytime I wear it. Usually, the suffering one is my school work.
Back to the topic.
Well this is once again, another story of a same friend of mine. Someone who's really naive, and totally lost in his world of his own. Or rather, I'm lost in the world of my own, because I bet 90% of the population are like him - Simple-minded, carefree and totally unsophisticated. He hasn't gone through alot, unless you count in the highly regimental lifestyle he leads because of his mum's existence.
This fellow is really hilarious at times because he never understands our jokes. Especially those that utilise American slangs. And it doesn't help that he doesn't take Literature, something that's subjected to constant mockery in the CJC "Family" hur hur. So basically, he's really alone and more or less ostracized. Poor fellow.
But seeing his MSN nicknames compound our impression of him. He's just that simple, nothing really major troubles him. While on the other hand, someone like me ponders upon the world, my purpose in this life, the existence of God, the stupidity of religion, the lack of anthithesis between good and evil. The list goes on.
I'm not sure of anything else, except this: He's living a much happier life than I do.
posted@11:16 PM
